Stop Manipulating Your Church (Part 1)
In recent years, conversations abound around what it means to be a non-anxious presence in organizations overwhelmed by supersonic, global change. We need more non-anxious church leaders.
We also need to talk about being a non-manipulative presence.
Celebrity pastor implosions, denominational side-stepping, and the growing cry of cynicism toward church leaders begs us to consider what non-manipulation looks like as leaders.
While narcissistic bullies abound who earn the label "manipulator," this piece is not about them. Instead, it's about well-intentioned, caring leaders who must give an account to Jesus for their leadership (Hebrews 13:17).
Before we can lead with a non-manipulative presence, we must name the monsters lurking in the shadows. And how we begin to shine a light on them might surprise you.
Scarcity Mindsets & Manipulation
One small idea can infect and direct individuals, our churches, and our nation. The idea is simple — there's not enough.
A scarcity mindset is anti-faith, anti-Scripture, and anti-gospel. The Scriptures teach that God's Kingdom is a Kingdom of abundance, overflowing from the bleeding side of Christ. The God of the universe is a cheerful giver. His world teems with plenty, and we can trust Him to provide for us.
And God's provision is more than financial. Our Father gives generously to us in our relationships, spirituality, emotional life, recreation, and intimacy with others.
God's omnibenevolence is one reason Harbor Network values diversity. Diversity multiplies goodness. God showers blessings on our heads with new perspectives, joys, and experiences in the context of relationships with those different from us.
God is not a stingy God (James 1:16-17). If you missed that, let me repeat myself — every blessing, enjoyable moment, and good gift cascades down from our Father, who bursts at the seams with unimaginable goodness.
Yet, we don't believe that in every area of our life. Instead, we believe God is stingy in our finances, relationships, fun, our sexuality, etc. — and so we hoard and become stingy too.
What does this have to do with a manipulative presence? Everything.
Show me where you are stingy, and I will show you where you are tempted to use and manipulate people.
Why? Because a scarcity mindset says, "God won't provide for me; so, I must provide for myself." When we believe there's not enough, we will consciously or unconsciously use people to get what we should receive from Jesus.
Manipulation Isn’t Just For Jerks But Nice People Too
Once we see where the shadow of our scarcity mindset falls, we can begin to shine the light on our monsters of manipulation.
While not exhaustive, let this chart begin to stretch your mind into four broader categories of manipulation.
Where do you find yourself on the spectrum of manipulation?
Domineering, gaslighting, and ghosting can be easier to spot. However, we must expand our definition of manipulation if we want to live, love, and lead from a non-manipulative presence.
Flattery, the silent treatment, or over-functioning are subtle yet still manipulative. For example, let’s focus on that last one — over-function or over-serving.
You might think, "Wait. What? I'm called by Jesus to be a servant of Jesus and sacrificially lay down my life like Jesus. It’s in the Bible (John 13:14-16)! What do you mean over-serving is a form of manipulation?"
Yes, Jesus calls us to lay down our lives for others. Yet when we regularly do what they should do for themselves, we are complicit in forming an enmeshed, codependent relationship. Our service does not direct them toward love and dependence on Christ but makes them more dependent on us. Over-functioning is not love; it's self-exaltation — and it's manipulation.
To truly love others, we must face our manipulation strategies. Prayerfully process the following — maybe with a journal or a trustworthy friend:
Discern where you have a scarcity mindset (Ex. finances, relationships, power/influence, sexuality, etc.).
Identify what you want from people (Ex. love, respect, security, affirmation, provision, comfort, etc.).
Name your manipulation strategy (Ex. ultimatums, bullying, overly-critical, hinting at what you want without directly asking, mood swings, withholding love or affection, etc.).
Repent
With God’s help, stop your unloving manipulation strategies (#3).
With God’s help, infuse your scarcity mindset (#1) with God's abundance (#2).
A Non-Manipulative Presence
Now that we better understand manipulation, we're ready to talk about a non-manipulative presence. And for that, you'll have to wait until next time.
Until then, chew on this quote from Parker Palmer, and let it sink its teeth into you:
"We must come together in ways that respect the solitude of the soul, that avoid the unconscious violence we do when we try to save each other, that evoke our capacity to hold another life without dishonoring its mystery, never trying to coerce the other into meeting our own needs." - Parker Palmer in Let Your Life Speak
May God make us this type of leader. Join me next time to find out how.
Rusty McKie is the founding and lead pastor of Sojourn Community Church in Chattanooga, Tennessee. He is a husband and father of three. He is the creator of the Pause to Reset Newsletter and writes regularly at rustymckie.com.
